I have this stupid tendency to runaway from my fears, thoughts, feelings and people, I just runaway as soon as a problem pop up.
I feel like right now in my life I'm at one of my lowest points. It's scary because I really don't know where to turn to, my mind is switching. At times I actually feel happy, not genuinely happy, just happy. Then I feel super depressed, like I don't want to continue anything in life. Continue nothing.
I feel like I am at point where I'm trying just to runaway from myself. Which I can't. I feel like my biggest enemy is myself, and I am trapped.
I feel like I haven't been myself the last couple of years. I used to be one of the happiest people on this planet (what it felt like), I used to appreciate every little aspect in life. I used feel excited for things, I used to laugh, I used to love people, I used to be happy.
Now I feel like an empty miserable mess, at times I see no hope for the future. No feelings, I am just like a robot. I am so tired. I am tired of putting on this facade, always seeming so happy. When all I actually want to do is runaway. I guess only a few of my friends can tell that I'm not happy, not sure if even them.
I mentioned already that I don't know where to turn to, which is kind of a lie. I do have friends.. I want to tell my parents that I want to talk to a psychologist, but only that part seems like a big step. Every time I decide to tell them it's just like I shut down.
The reason why I feel so messed up, is over a lot that have happened lately, especially these last couple of years. Growing up, realising things that you don't want to realise and finding out things you didn't knew. I've also kept stuff that happened way back when I was a small kid inside. It all bottles up, and I'm about to burst.
I know the reasons, but I don't know how to handle it.
About 7 years ago, I thought things were tough.., if I only knew what I would feel now..
I am aware that I need to do something about this, that is why I made this post to open up to you, and also myself. I also made it so I know it will be here, and remind me. And the next time I'll make a post I've done at least one small improvement. Like talking to my parents. Hopefully I can look back at this post someday and think: "I did it, I am happy now".
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